It’s often said that people don’t leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses.
Personally, working in media most of my adult life, I’ve had almost every boss imaginable. It’s extremely rare to find a manager or supervisor who is equal parts empowering teacher and unwavering leader. Someone you can learn from and grow with, while at the same time helping you to achieve the dreams you’ve set for your own career.
I know it seems like an impossible dream, but they’re out there.
Also out there? The donkeys. The ones you can’t get away from fast enough. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you are either working for one of these people, or you are one yourself.
You donut.
So which bad boss are you serving working for?
The Screamer: duck and cover, it’s a fucking hurricane! Every situation is a war. Every office is a war zone. Don’t like it? Fuck you, find a different job. You want a raise? I’ll raise you off the ground with my foot up your ass! You know one day this prick will have a heart attack, and that day can’t come soon enough.
The Schemer: everyone is a chess piece and they are goddamn Bobby Fisher. Every interaction is a political chess match. Every day is a living hell game of cat and mouse. A master of manipulation, they’re always in line to get praise for a project, but are never mentioned when a project goes south even if they had a direct hand in it. It would be impressive if it wasn’t so goddamn frustrating.
The 2nd Career: they no idea what they’re doing, but you prop them up by being great at your job. Their boss usually thinks they do all the work, thus you get passed over for raises and promotions while they get bonuses. You’re at a loss because they always say matter of factly “I don’t know how to do the actual work” but no one calls them out for it. How the fuck are you in charge of something you don’t know how to do?? It’s like putting a gerbil in charge of NASA.
The Cat Burglar: they wouldn’t know a good idea if it kicked them in the face. Most of the “ideas” they do have are either stolen or ripped line-by-line from somewhere else. They tend to start on the 10th page of Google for “inspiration.” You can never quite prove that they did it but that shit eating grin always gives them away.
The Budgeter: no matter how much business you help to bring in, no matter how many awards your work wins, no matter how much the company clears at the end of the year, a raise is NEVER in the budget. This asshat has a company credit card he lives off of, but you can’t get a cost of living increase for some goddamn Hot Cheetos. Usually drives a Range Rover.
The Missing: does this mother fucker even work here anymore? You never see him. He’s on perpetual vacation. He’s always out and he never answers his cell phone. Was he only a figment of your imagination? Is he a ghost? The checks keep getting cashed so who the fuck knows.
The Time Traveler: begins every sentence with “back in my day.” Was a good salesperson 25 years ago but sees no need to update company equipment or policies. Hates that you can’t call women “broads” anymore. Everyone younger than them is seen as their child and can’t possibly know what they know. Music today isn’t real music. Get off my lawn.
The Apathetic One: doesn’t care what you do as long as you leave them alone. No direction. No notes or critiques on your work. Just… nothing. You’re floating in an abyss. Am I doing a good job? Am I doing a terrible job? Who the fuck knows with this one.
The Cliq Leader: this one seems to be making up for what a nerd they were in high school. Has two “best friends” in the office who happen to get preferential treatment. They also get all the good projects. They have lunch every day and spend every weekend together but fein ignorance when others call them out. Everyone is, like, so mean to them because they’re jealous.
The Asshole: this one encompasses parts of any of the others on this list. They might be a Screamer and a Time Traveler. Maybe they’re a Scheming 2nd Career hybrid. Everything about them makes you want to punch a baby in the face. You want to tell them off and tattletale on them all at once. They never say “good morning” or “how’s it going” or anything at all. Fuck this guy.
So who’s got your vote? Which boss do you work for or, are you one of the above listed? Got some terrible boss stories? Share them in the comments!
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This post originally appeared on our sister site, Full Metal Traveler.
Tags: Bad boss, life, work